It's very rare that I speak my "Actual" mind. I sometimes write thoughts that pop into my head or situations that happen to me and I feel I need to say how I feel about that. Today's post will give you an idea of why I'm having a hard time moving on.
The idea of marriage, growing up, was taboo to me. I couldn't see myself doing it because my mom had thrown out my dad when I was 3 years old and it just didn't seem like something I wanted to do. As I grew up, I changed opinions often, rocking back and forth from a "maybe" to a definite "no".
I began to date and life was good. I lost my virginity later than my friends, even tho I believe my friends were ho's, I wanted it to be just right. But let me tell you! Once I had my first taste of it, I was done. Forget the rest, Getting ass was my main priority.
Late teens and early 20's were the best for me. I enjoyed them very much but I decided that I wasn't going to get married. I can actually say, I've done it all. No regrets. Just heartbreak and lessons learned.
The problem was that while, most of my friends had young parents that were divorcing left and right. I was being raised by my grandfather. All that I am, morals and values, is thanks to him. A man that was loyal, honest and strong. A man that made his marriage work regardless of what happens.
It was great to see what he thought marriage was about. The relationship he had with my grandmother and the "Old School" style of living. My grandmother would have his dinner ready when he came from work. He would get his slippers and he would call me to watch M*A*S*H with him and other old movies that made him laugh.
See, now there was a perfect example for me to follow. He loved my grandmother so much. You can tell just by looking at the way they looked at each other. Since then, I based what I would be as a husband and father by his virtues. I would never even consider divorce because that was not in my vocabulary.
To enforce my thought, even after having deposited a lot of money on the reception and church etc..... I called my fiancee (at the time) the day before our wedding and I told her that I was giving her the out. In other words, if she feels that she won't be able to stay with me the rest of our lives then she can just get up and leave. I would understand. I also told her that I wasn't getting divorced.
She responded with, "Honey, I love you so much! I would never leave you. I can't wait to be Mrs. Kenneth Bravo." Having said that she made me feel better and she removed any little doubt that I had left in me. I was happy.
At this point I will say that life sucks and I find it very hard to trust anyone. The person I thought would be with me forever, just decided that it was over. How did she do that? I guess she thought she found someone else to love.
Now, I'm not going to say that I was innocent in this situation, however, whatever I did wrong, I would love to know because I seriously have no idea. She could never come and tell me how I merited being cheated on. I write this blog because it upsets me that she NEVER fought for our relationship.
16 years together and even after I took her back the first time she played me, she still never fought for us. Thank God he sent me the foresight to apply for custody of my children because they would be suffering more.
Yes. I am angry. Some of my "Friends" tell me to get over it. Well, I can honestly say this to those that it pertains to. FUCK YOU! Before you judge me and what I am going thru, look at yourself in the mirror and fix your problems. I'm sure you're going thru something as well. You know who you are!
Today's values are so fucked up that our children don't know right from wrong. Commitment is one of the most important values you can have. There is a reason why one of the vows was "For better or worse". If you loved me enough to marry me, why couldn't you at least try to make things work?
Yes. I am angry. my children suffer because this one woman, couldn't deal with having the responsibilities of a family, who loved her so much. She couldn't decide whether to go hang out with her girls or be with the family. I know she lost her mind. She now lives in Texas with a man that she first described to me as her cousin. While she was living with me of course! Karma has a funny way of getting to you and I feel sorry for her when Karma comes knocking on her door.
Why did I go thru all of this? I want to give whoever reads this a little note of counsel. If you are not ready to fight and love and commit to someone, don't get married. You deserve better and so does your partner.
In continuing being truthful, I still have a place for her in my heart. I believe I will always do. My fear is that the hatred she has formed in my soul for her will grow bigger and bigger and may consume me as a human being.
I don't want to hate. Well, Thanks for reading this. I hope you can pass the message forward.
