A little depressed.....Again.

I have no idea why I have been feeling like this lately but I am a little depressed. It is so hard dealing with having to see other people happy and me just sitting in the wings.

I know it sounds like I am having a pity party but I guess I have been reverting lately.  I want to change all my 8mm video to DVD but I feel it's going to get me even more depressed.

They all depict a great and wonderful relationship with the family as a whole.  I have some good things happening to me in the future but I guess since I don't know how it turns out, I'm scared.

I may be 6 feet tall and a big looking brute but I scare easily.  Only with the uncertain.  I can usually tell what's going to happen to me and so forth but I can't see anything.  I can't feel anything.  It's almost as if I was numb.

Oblivious to anything and everything that is important to me.  Then, because I am not paying attention, my focus tends to go towards my ex-wife and I lose it.  I am writing this because, I guess, I have to vent.

If you get upset because you are reading this and saying "Oh my God Kenny!  Get over it already!" then you have no idea the heartbreak I am going through.  I appreciate the comfort some friends offer me but they disappear when I need them the most.

Then, they appear when they go thru another crisis for me to get them out of.  At a minimum, I support them 100%.  I want to cry.  But, how does it look for a 46 year old man crying for a woman that doesn't deserve him to begin with?

For the record, I don't miss her.  I miss what we had at one time.  A beautiful, inseparable relationship that was going to last forever.  As I have stated before, I want to know what I did.

And the way it looks now, it looks like I am never going to know.  So, How do I wish this person good luck and ask God to bless her?  I as told to forgive so that I can go and forgive myself.  For What!!!  I didn't do anything wrong except take care of her like a husband should.

FUCK!!!  The shit is that I feel I am going to use that experience and deny the person I find, if any, the same courtesy's they deserve.  I like opening doors for women.  I like paying for dinner, sending them flowers, walking with them and just listen to their stories.

I like helping them with wise advice.  I just can't get a break!  I love my kids but it is obvious the damage that their mother has done to them.  My daughter is in desperate need for a mother figure and even tho my mother tries it's just never enough.

My son doesn't trust any of his girlfriends so most, if not all, of his relationships don't last at all.  He fears they will break his heart like his mother did so he breaks their hearts first.

Well, I am going to bed.  More to come......I guess.